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Thursday, 13 October 2011

Being sinned against in order to transform lives Counseling Solutions

Being sinned against in order to transform lives Counseling Solutions

Link to Rick Thomas

Being sinned against in order to transform lives

Posted: 12 Oct 2011 09:05 PM PDT

Jason and Jennifer got into an argument.

Jason was right and Jennifer was wrong.

Jason chose not to win the argument in order to win his wife.

Jason modeled a rare discussion point about the Gospel.

The point that Jason made with his wife, and the one we rarely talk about, is what I want to highlight in this article.

That is, which is more important:

(1) Being right and winning the argument, (2) or focusing less on winning the argument and more on helping your spouse to mature in Christ. Jason chose number two over number one. He is a wise man.

Though he could have built a case against Jennifer, he obeyed the Spirit, acquiesced to his wife, and helped her to grow closer to the Savior.

His goal was much higher than a short-lived conquest. You’ve heard the saying, “It’s not about winning the battles, but about winning the war.”

Though I would not make marriage analogous to war, the saying still works, with a minor alteration: It’s not about winning the battles, but about winning the marriage.

Sometimes our pride to win or have the last word or always be right or even our self-serving competitive nature can short-circuit what God is seeking to do in our marriages.

We can become so focused on the skirmishes–being right, that we miss the bigger picture–making God’s name great. Jason knew better.

He was right and she was wrong, but did it really matter? The story went like this:

Jennifer and Jason were at a restaurant. The conversation was going great until Jennifer brought up their last argument from two months ago. Jennifer’s retelling of the story did not mention that she was the actual cause of the argument.

Her talking point at the restaurant was Jason’s anger toward her during that argument. Jason’s initial temptation, in his heart only, was to reframe the current argument, but he chose not to. He decided the best thing he could do in that moment was to listen to his wife, seeking to understand her rather than making a case for the truth (1 Peter 3:7).

By doing so he learned that the thing Jennifer was struggling with was not so much about the argument from two months ago, but about a lack of attentiveness from Jason over the past couple of years.

If Jason had jumped to defending himself or correcting his wife’s errors, he would have missed the real point and the thing that God wanted him to see through his wife’s frustration.

How many arguments have you gotten into with your spouse where the point was missed because of the strain to make sure the details were accurate?

The real point of our arguments are rarely in the details, but the underlying frustrations that have been building up. I’m hard-pressed to think of any arguments that I have gotten into with my wife where all the jots and tittles really mattered.

As I write this I am drawing a blank on any argument we have had in our entire marriage that was worthy of drawing inalterable battle lines to where I could not relent my position.

Most things do not rise to that level of importance. Sometimes it is better to concede the point, take the hit, and be wronged, rather than having to always be right.

A biblical precedent

There is no more profound illustration of this than the Gospel Himself. Christ took our evil upon Himself so we could be transformed. His “cross-work” is the centerpiece of the Gospel: Christ died for our sins.

For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. – 2 Corinthians 5:21 (ESV)

Christ, who knew no sin, took our sin on Himself so that we could be transformed into His image. This is one of the more stunning expressions and benefits of the Gospel: another person steps up and takes the hit so you and I do not have to take the hit.

I realize that what Christ did for us is on an unapproachable playing field from what we are called to do because His cross-work was unique. But we can model the Gospel, though not literally, by practically living it out before others.

One of the ways we can do this is by “receiving another person’s faults” in order to do a better work in their lives, something better than just winning the argument.

The Savior taught us this with His “turn the other cheek” and “walk the extra mile” language, what we read in Matthew’s account of His life.

"You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well.

And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you. – Matthew 5:38-42 (ESV)

Don’t read what I am not saying

I am not saying that you can take a person’s sin, exactly like what Christ did, and the guilty will be forgiven for their sin and they do not have to respond to God in any fashion for their sin. That is not the point of this article.

I am speaking more along the lines of Matthew, as noted above and Proverbs as noted here:

Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. – Proverbs 19:11 (ESV)

Parents automatically get this because they know better than to nickel and dime their kids for everything they do wrong. The wise parent will overlook an offense because he has a greater goal in mind for their child.

It’s like the four-year old who brings you a drawing they have been working on and you negatively critique it by comparing it to “real art.” The child would be disillusioned and less likely to come to you again.

This is exasperating to a child and could lead them to give up. The wise parent has a greater goal, which does not include artistic excellence for a four-year old.

I am not saying that you should overlook every offense. That, too, would be unwise. You never want to live in extremes:

  1. Always having to be right, to the point that you can’t let anything go.
  2. Never bringing any kind of correction to anyone.

Neither one of the aforementioned approaches to building relationships for the glory of God are wise.

Each situation, each relationship, and each context demands wisdom from the Spirit of God that is in-line with the Word of God, with the goal of maturing the relationship for the glory of God.

The main point of this article is to have a higher view in your relationships than just being right all the time. Sometimes it is wise and good to “absorb” other people’s badness or nonsense.

Keep the end in mind

[Jesus] who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. – Hebrews 12:2 (ESV)

Jesus endured our sin on our behalf because He had a higher purpose. He could see what the “end” could look like for you and me. I spent the first 25-years of my life treasuring up wrath against God (Romans 2:5).

Rather than beating me over the head every time I sinned in my youth, the Savior was patiently bringing me to a place of complete surrender to Him.

Without question, He did not give me what I deserved. Paul gives us snapshot of how the kindness, forbearance and patience of God leads us to change in Romans. Take a look:

Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance? – Romans 2:4 (ESV)

Jason had the privilege of NOT giving Jennifer what she deserved. He rose above it. Losing in the moment was not the biggest thing in the moment for Jason. He had a bigger vision for his wife and for their marriage.

He gracefully “sucked it up” and loved her in a similar fashion in which the Savior loves him. He not only had the end in mind, but understood the process that was needful in order to get to that end. For example,

  1. He wanted to see her mature in Christ and, therefore, knew that battling every inch of the way would not accomplish that good goal.
  2. He wanted her to see how the love of Christ controls him as he modeled the Gospel before her (2 Corinthians 5:14-21).
  3. He did not want to do to her what the Savior would not do to him, which is to punish her for every little mistake, faux pas, sin, or mis-speak in her life (Romans 5:8).

Enduring suffering so others can experience comfort

Jason also knew that if he experienced a very small portion of Christ’s affliction that he would be comforted by God and, therefore, be in a position to comfort his wife.

This is part of what Paul was getting at when he wrote to the Corinthians. Take a peek:

For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation – 2 Corinthians 1:5-6 (ESV)

Follow Paul’s sequence of thought:

  1. We are afflicted as Jesus was afflicted.[1]
  2. By sharing in the afflictions of Christ, we are also comforted by the Father through Christ.
  3. Just as we are comforted by the Father, through Christ, we are able to comfort others.

Christ was willing to take our punishment so we could be “comforted.” Part of the comfort that we receive from Christ, in addition to being justified–born again, is a progressive transformation from a dysfunctional way of living to a Christ-centered way of living.

  1. Jesus was willing to be afflicted, by taking on our sin, so we could be brought to maturity.
  2. Jason was willing to be afflicted, by taking on Jennifer’s sin, so she could be brought to maturity.

Again, drawing from a parental analogy because parents seem to intuitively understand these similarities: any loving parent would “take a hit” if it would alleviate, deter, or stop pain and suffering in their child’s life.

If you’re a parent, you more than likely have said or thought something like the following: “I much rather it be me going through this instead of my son.”

That is the Gospel. Christ did make it Him instead of us. Amazing grace!

Short-circuiting the Gospel for selfishness sake

It then begs the question: why would I not endure my wife’s sin or mistakes for the Gospel’s sake? Jason chose to live out the Gospel before his wife because he believed it was more important to love his wife the way Christ loved the church than win an argument (Ephesians 5:25).

  1. Is it hard for you to “absorb” your spouse’s sin?
  2. Is it hard for you to look over an offense?
  3. Is it hard for you to let go of certain things your spouse does?
  4. When your spouse brings a critique to you, is your initial response to defend your position?
  5. When your spouse brings a critique to you, are you more apt to get him/her to understand you rather than you seeking to understand your spouse?
  6. Do you just like winning?
  7. Do you despise being wrong?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions then the first place you need to begin work on improving your marriage is to improve your relationship with Christ.

Specifically, I would recommend that you carefully read and re-read this article, asking God to help you to make these practical, yet challenging, Gospel connections to your heart.

None of us will be able to love others rightly until we are able to love them the way Christ loved us, which begins with dying to self.

Jesus loved us to death so we could not only be like Him, but put His life on display so others could see, learn, and practice how they see Him in us (1 Corinthians 11:1).

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  1. [1] I’m not saying that anything we suffer comes close to the Savior’s suffering, but He did suffer and so do we. ↩

Mind Mapping Christian Maturity: you know you’re mature when…

Posted: 28 Sep 2011 09:05 PM PDT

What does the end of counseling look like?

When will I know I’m done with counseling?

What are you looking for?

What are your expectations for me?

These are some of the more common questions that I get when a person first meets with me for counseling.

These questions are excellent and need to be answered in a definitive, but practical way.

The good news is that the Bible does not leave us in a lurch, but gives us real answers that satisfy.

To help us think about what the “end” looks like, I’ve developed a Mind Map, which is part of a training exercise I provide for the folks on our Membership Site. You can get your copy of the Mind Map by clicking Christian Maturity.

These concepts are not just good ideas that apply to counselees, but they are concepts that apply to every Christian. If you are a Christian, then you should read this, assess yourself, and make whatever changes you need, in order to continue the process of maturing in Christ.

Counselees are not the only people who need help. All Christians need help. Honestly, I kinda despise the word counselee. Personally, I do not use the term unless I’m writing to a broader audience, like this article.

Our organization is called The Counseling Solutions Group, but that is more of a marketing perspective than anything else. If I called our organization “Discipleship Solutions,” it would not resonate with the current cultural mindset, those who are looking for help through counseling.

I never refer to my “counselees” as counselees. They are my friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, who come to me for help (John 15:15).[1] And what do I do for them? I disciple them by teaching them what the Bible says about being like Christ, the goal of all counseling and discipleship.

They may come through the door as counselees, but my goal is to send them out as Christlike disciple-makers. That’s my calling. It is yours too. The following Mind Map will help you unpack the process to Christian maturity, while also envisioning you on how to sustain a life of Christian maturity.

Before you begin, may I appeal to you to pray, asking God to help you to see where you need to change, grow, and serve like Jesus. Perhaps it would be better to read this article with your spouse or close friend, asking them to speak into your life according to what is written here. Will you do that? Will you ask your spouse or close friend?

Breaking down the map

The Gospel - All counseling or discipleship, whatever you want to call it, must begin with the Gospel. Remember, I’m coming from a Christian worldview, speaking to Christians, about how to best glorify God as Christians.

Therefore, there is only one starting point and that is the Gospel. The Gospel or good news is Jesus Christ, the promised Messiah from the Old Testament, who came to live among the Jewish nation 2000 years ago.

Eventually Christ died, according to the divine purposes of God, on a cross in order to pay the debt for sin. He became a ransom for sin. No person has the ability to live out a sustained life of Christian maturity without coming to terms with the person and work of Jesus Christ.

The only proper way to come to terms with Him is by being regenerated by Him. This is what we call being born from above or being born again. Have you been born again?

Do not marvel that I said to you, 'You must be born again.' – The Savior, John 3:7 (ESV)

Spirit cooperation - If you are born again, then the Holy Spirit has come to you and is living in you, in order to guide and sustain you throughout your life. The Spirit will do many things for you, such as illuminate your mind to the Word of God so that you can understand it and grow thereby. (See John 17:17; 1 Corinthians 2:14; 1 Peter 2:2-3)

You can choose to quench or grieve the Holy Spirit by living in sin (1 Thessalonians 5:19; Ephesians 4:30). However, you have the option to cooperate with the Holy Spirit and if you do, you will grow in grace and in knowledge of Jesus Christ, so that you can imitate Him by your life (2 Peter 3:18; Ephesians 5:1; 1 Corinthians 11:1).

Means of grace - A means of grace is analogous to a vehicle, a means that takes you from one place to another place. God provides several gracious means or contexts that we can participate in so that we can grow into Christian maturity. Most local churches provide these various means of grace.

In the Mind Map I have listed nine means of grace, which you can find on the lower, left hand side of the Map:

  1. Various meetings of the church
  2. Reading and studying your Bible
  3. Praying to God and with others
  4. Friends who speak into your life and you speak into their lives
  5. Memorization of Scripture so you can know who God is and how to respond to Him
  6. Discipling others, which is sharing what God is doing in you and for you
  7. Evangelism is how we let others know about Christ
  8. Serving is the default response for all Christians
  9. Singing is another default for the person who has been set free by Jesus

It is important to note that these contexts are not passive contexts. They are contexts in which you engage God and others, while being engaged by God and others. It won’t do just to show up on Sunday morning at your local church and expect that you are going to mature in Christ. You will not. It does not work that way.

Christianity is not a passive experience. It is full-on engagement with God and with others.

I have never counseled a person on an on-going basis who is actively participating in these contexts of grace. If they are cooperating with the Spirit of God at this level, they have the means they need to change (2 Peter 1:3).

You’ll note that I call these contexts “acts of worship.” They represent nine ways in which we can actively worship God by pursuing Him and others (Matthew 25:40).

  1. Are you cooperating with the Holy Spirit by actively participating in these means of grace?
  2. Write a short paragraph about how you are engaging each one of these contexts.
  3. What areas are you not engaging God and others in these contexts? Why not?
  4. What does it mean to you to engage God and others through these contexts?
  5. How are you encouraging your friends to help you engage God and others through these contexts?
  6. Do you regularly invite your friends to speak into your life in a way that will change you?

Don’t be fooled. To play church is to be stunted in your relationship with Christ and others. Playing church is to invite dysfunction. If you are not actively pursuing God and others through these various means of grace, then I appeal to you to repent. Let God rule your life. Jump in and cooperate with God.

If you will do this, then you will change and your relationships will change.

Humility or pride

The tension that is in all our souls is whether or not we will submit to God or exercise our own will over the various situations in our lives. Did you know that when you refuse to walk in humility, the greatest deterrent in your life is God Almighty?

James 4:6 is clear: God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Which will it be? Are there areas of pride in your life? Are you still holding on to things that you do not want to let go?

Many times the relational conflicts that we experience between ourselves and others is not because of others, but because God is the One resisting us. We can be duped into thinking that my opponent is my spouse or some other human, when it is really God who is resisting me because I am being proud.

If you are proud, then your main problem is with God, not with someone else. He is the Resistance for the proud person. But if you will humble yourself before God Almighty, then something radical will begin to happen: He will give you empowering grace. Only at that point can you change.

Through these contexts or means of grace, God begins to affect you at the level of your heart. You begin to change. The Gospel is now actively alive in you and humility begins to replace your pride. Humility becomes the primary condition of your heart, which allows you to mature–He gives grace to the humble.

Three components of change

The stage of your heart is now set. You are pursuing humility, while resisting pride and God is working for you and not resisting you. The conditions are right for you to mature in Christ. As you see on the Mind Map, there are three elements in the process of Christian maturity:

  1. I want to change
  2. I want to grow
  3. I want to serve

I want to change - This order is significant. You cannot grow until you change. Therefore, the first order of business is to change, which is what the Bible calls repentance. Do you want to change? Repent. Simple. That is how it works. There is no other way.

To repent simply means to change from one way of thinking and behaving to another way of thinking or behaving. If you choose to change (repent), then you will grow.

Does this make sense to you?

Awesome.

It has been said that the Christian life is a life of repentance and on-going repenting.[2] This should be good news for the believer. We can change. The unbeliever cannot do what we can do. We can change because we have the Gospel. We have the power of Christ working in us. Repentance is not a discouraging concept for the believer. It is the door through which we walk in order to grow in Christ.

Sometimes the word repentance has gotten a bad rap. That should never be. It is the Christian’s primary weapon when it comes to changing. You can click on this video called The Doctrine of Repentance to see how I have unpacked the various elements of repentance.

I want to grow - Are you repenting daily to God and to others? If so, guess what? You’re going to grow–mature in Christ. You have no other option. The repenting Christian is a changing, growing, maturing Christian.

And what do we mature into?

There is only one option, one goal, one person to become: you become like Christ. If you are daily living out repentance in your life, then Jesus Christ will begin to take shape in you. If you continue to walk out repentance, He will not only take shape in you, but you will begin to act like Him.

You will become Christlike.

Though there are many ways of describing what it means to be Christlike from the Scriptures, I like Galatians 5:22-23. The fruit of the Spirit begins to take root in the heart of the repenting Christian. And the more you repent, the more the old ways and habits will be turned aside and new ways and habits will begin to control your heart.

In time, it will become how you are characterized. The fruit of the Spirit becomes character qualities of the heart, before they become behaviors in our life (Luke 6:45).

The fruit test

Here are the fruit that the Spirit gives to us. Scroll through this list and ask yourself at each element how that particular manifestation is working out in your life. How are you doing? Write out your answers to these questions:

  1. Love – are you characterized as a loving person? Ask a close friend.
  2. Joy – would you consider yourself as joy-filled. What comes out of you most of the time?
  3. Peace – when the disappointments come, are you steadied by the peace of God?
  4. Gentleness – are your speech patterns gentle and your manner characterized as gentle?
  5. Faithfulness – are you a dependable person, keeping your word to God and others?
  6. Kindness – do you regularly give kindness because of the kindness that was given to you by God?
  7. Goodness – are you good? The Spirit is good and that is the kind of fruit He produces in us.
  8. Self-control – does the Spirit easily control your tongue and your actions?
  9. Patience – do others see the patience of Christ in you?

How did you do? Is Christ being formed in you? If so, you’re well on your way to Christian maturity. If not, then you may be immature and need to go back to the “I want to change” step and figure out what is wrong. Are there some things in your life that need repentance?

Perhaps you may need to enlist the help of others, though it has been my experience that most Christians know what they are doing or not doing. Nevertheless, whatever the problem is, you need to make the appropriate changes so Christ (fruit of the Spirit) can be formed in you.

I want to serve - You know you are Christlike when the primary default of your heart is to serve others (Mark 10:45). There was a unique quality about Jesus: He was not about Himself. He was all about others, particularly His Father and us (Romans 5:8).

He could not have made this more clear when He said,

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets." – Matthew 22:37-40 (ESV)

This was Jesus’ job description while He was on earth. It is the litmus test that reveals if there is a true understanding and application of the Gospel (Christ) in a person’s life. This is the absolute height of Christian maturity. If you’re living for God and others more than anything else, then you’ve hit the Jesus gear and the grace of God is empowering you for the glory of God and the benefit of others.

If your desire is still more about you rather than God and others, then you need to go back to the Gospel and see what it is that you do not understand and/or are unwilling to apply to your life. If you are stuck as to what that is, then I appeal to you to get some help.

God has provided us with everything we need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). I do believe that if you are actively pursuing God and others in the various means of grace that are available for you, as noted on the lower left hand side of the Map, and you are actively living out repentance before God and others, lower right hand side of the Map, then there is nothing that should hinder you from being a mature Christian.

Go and make disciples (Matthew 28:18-20).

A practical homework assignment to apply what you have learned

  1. Pray, asking the Spirit to assist you in reflectively thinking through this assignment.
  2. Print this article off and then highlight every question that is asked throughout the article.
  3. Write a short paragraph with at least five to six sentences, answering each question you highlighted.
  4. Print off the Mind Map and circle weak areas of your understanding and practice, areas where you need to change.
  5. Work through the article, highlighting each Bible verse referenced.
  6. Look up each verse.
  7. In two or three sentences, write out what that verse means. (Be sure to read it in context.)
  8. In two or three sentences, write out a practical response to each one of the verses. Practically apply the verse to your life.
  9. Share with your spouse or a close friend some of the things you learned from this exercise.
  10. Pray to God, asking Him to enable you to implement a plan for change.
  11. Go and implement for the glory of God and the benefit of others. Put Christ on display by your life.

If you are regularly helping people who want to change, use this article and assignment in your training, counseling, or discipling. Make copies and use often.

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  1. [1] If they are not believers, then I expose them to Christ, so they can get to the starting blocks, so they can begin to receive help. ↩
  2. [2] I have no idea who coined this expression, but it is a good summary in the context of this article. ↩

Mind Mapping Insecure Husband & Critical Wife – a case study

Posted: 27 Sep 2011 09:05 PM PDT

Paul and Judie have been married for 21 years.

They have three teenaged children, boy, boy, girl.

They attend a Reformed church in town.

Both Paul and Judie are active members in their church.

And…they do not like each other.

Judie is a nag and Paul is insecure.

It doesn’t matter who fired the first shot; the reality of the situation is that they are hardly in love and have been doing marriage-by-rote for a long time.

It is not that they can’t stand each other. If you asked them on a good day, they would tell you that they are in love. That’s what they periodically put on their Facebook status updates.

If you don’t look too deep into their marriage and don’t ask too many probing questions, you would not know they have this low-grade anger and unforgiveness that runs under the surface of their lives.

In many ways they are representative of a million couples who name the name of Christ. They are under-discipled. They entered into the church, plugged into the ministries they wanted to plug into and no hard questions were ever asked.

The problem with this kind of pragmatic approach to church ministry is that the accumulative effect of unresolved sin in people can destroy marriages, families, and pockets of the local church…not to mention the defaming of God’s name.

Per usual or as these things tend to go, Paul got caught in sin. Interestingly enough Judie did not want out of the marriage. She wanted him to get help because of “how this might look at church.”

They came to counseling.

During one of our counseling sessions I built a Mind Map of their problems, as we were talking.[1] You can download the entire Mind Map from that counseling session HERE. It is also the Mind Map that you see in this article.[2]

Breaking down the Mind Map

Idolatry Cluster - In the upper left hand section of the MM you will notice an idolatry cluster. This is how Paul generally rolls. Notice the series of “I need to be…significant, appreciated, respected, loved,” etc.

All of these cravings are essentially the same. It is seven ways to say the same thing. The reason I put seven of them on the map was for Paul to see, because all of them did not resonate equally with him.

I have found through the years that it is best to communicate in synonyms. I could have asked, “Do you desire to be honored?” Maybe he would have said, “No.”

Therefore, I said the same thing, seven different ways. Paul said that all of them were desires that he wished his wife would meet for him. Unfortunately for Paul, these unmet desires had escalated in his heart to demands.

It was even more unfortunate that his wife would not see this, choosing rather to be stubborn and not build up her husband, but tenaciously harboring and exercising a critical spirit toward him.

Paul had unwittingly set his wife up to be “god” in his life. I told him,

When cravings for respect, love, significance, acceptance, and appreciation begin to control your heart, then you are dependent on the person you expect these things from to satisfy your longings. This makes that person your “god.”

Un-cooperating god - The bad news for Paul is that his god was not cooperating. She was not only refusing to meet his cravings, but she was tearing him down by her critical spirit.

It is one thing to be on fire, but exponentially worse when gas is thrown onto your burning body. Paul was on fire and out-of-focus. Rather than aligning his mind to the truths of the Gospel, he was putting the fire out through ungodly means.

Anger - Initially Paul would resort to anger as a way of manipulating his wife. He would yell at her for awhile and she would cow down and become more cooperating.

This was not a long-term fix. Sadly, Paul was a lazy man who was looking for immediate results. Lazy men use lazy means to accomplish selfish desires.

Porn - Paul used porn as his secondary thirst quencher when anger no longer worked. Porn is also a lazy man’s relief. He knew he could beckon the cyber ladies to his aid.

Though his wife would not cooperate, porn was a risk-free, slam dunk absolute. These ladies always appreciated him. When brutish tactics like anger didn’t gain him the respect he craved, he went to his “go to girls.”

Paul’s secondary thirst quencher is why they were in counseling.

The critical wife - I’m not sure if most wives really understand how detrimental a critical spirit is to a husband. The power of the wife is in her tongue. In a matter of seconds she can build him up or tear him down. She has the strength to do this.[3]

Guys are not as strong as the American egotistical image would like for us to believe. Guys are sinners too and they have weak egos. Though the critical wife is not the cause of Paul’s sin, she can compound his pre-existing challenge to reorient his mind to the Gospel.

In the case of Judie, she has unresolved hostility toward her husband. There are many things in 21-years of marriage that she has not come to terms with. Some of them are her fault, while some belong to Paul.

Rather than dealing with the problems like a mature Christian, on occasion she says hurtful things to Paul. Her bitterness comes out through the cutting harshness of her tongue.

Sin is a context for grace - When Judie is unkind to Paul, he has a choice. Though he may be temporarily hurt by her words, he has the choice of sulking in his sinful desires or realigning his heart to the Gospel.

The bottom section of the Mind Map, in yellow and green, highlight this. Paul typically chooses one of three options:

  1. He can be overcome by hurt and choose to respond in anger. This, of course, sets the stage for another battle royal. Each time he gets angry, his wife responds in kind. She, like Paul, feels justified: you sinned, therefore I can sin. It’s an endless loop of reciprocal sinning that cannot end well …until one of the combatants presses the “I’m gonna be a Christian right now” button.
  2. He can be overcome by hurt, but plead for God’s mercy. If he does this, then there will be grace for his sin. This will not only release him from his sin, but it will allow him to serve his wife, to help her work through her sinful attitudes.
  3. He can immediately apply the doctrines of grace to his life and begin an instantaneous process of serving his wife so she can grow into Christian maturity.

Typically, Paul will sulk when his idols are not stroked by his wife. Then he will respond in anger. If his wife will acquiesce, then everything is pushed back down to their normal low-grade anger and un-forgivneess marriage that they present to the unsuspecting.

Of course, there is never resolution through this sinful process because the Gospel is never authentically and practically applied to their marriage. Paul and Judie do not know how to do this.

Go get Jesus

The center section of the Mind Map (in red) is the solution to this marriage mess. Neither Paul nor Judie are living according to the inheritance that was given to them through the Gospel.

The Gospel says - There is nothing anyone can say or do to Paul that is worse than what the Gospel has already declared about Paul. The Gospel says that Paul stunk. He wreaked to the core. He was the worst of the worst.

Paul was a lowdown, dirty, rotten sinner, without hope of ever being rescued. He was declared guilty by God and was assured of eternal torment in hell. Paul was a helpless, hopeless wretch of a person.

That is one of the many declarations that the Gospel makes about us. Too bad Paul cannot fully grasp this. His craving for reputation mutes this Gospel declaration. He does not, cannot, will not see that the pathway to freedom is found by cognitively grasping his totally depraved ruination before God Almighty.

The Gospel says – If Paul could grasp this kind of counter-intuitive thinking and own it as his own, then the insults of others would not gain the crippling access that it already has in his mind.

I asked him,

Why do other people’s words, insults, or accusations bother you, in light of this Gospel truth?

The answer to the question is that the truths of the Gospel do not resonate with Paul. He has an intellectual understanding of the Gospel, but he does not have an authentic, experiential application of the Gospel.

I’m not saying that Paul is not a Christian. I am saying, minimally, that the Gospel has not affected him the way it should biblically affect Christians.

The Gospel says – The ironic thing about Paul’s cravings is that he already possesses, as a Christian, all of the things that he craves from his wife. Because he is “in Christ,” all the longings of his soul are being satisfied. This is another declaration of the Gospel.

Rather than resting in this declaration of the Gospel, Paul is reaching for the fruit that can never satisfy. His insatiable longings for approval are only satiated in Christ alone.

Paul needs to repent to the core of his being. He needs to clearly identify what these sinful longings are and fling himself on God’s mercy seat. Furthermore, he needs to invite a few trusted friends into his life so he can walk them through his sin and how it works out in his life.

He needs to hold them accountable for holding him accountable. Paul needs to be spiritually aggressive in order to neutralize and kill the sin that has gripped him for so long.

His sin has sinfully caught him and he should not be satisfied with rote praying or cursory repentance.

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. – Galatians 6:1-2 (ESV)

The Gospel asks – “Why doesn’t my maturing relationship with Christ satisfy and even trump my sinful cravings?” This is a real question that must be asked of Paul. He has a worship disorder.

To date, he has been out-of-focus, blaming part of his sin on his wife, his upbringing, and other things. He has not fully owned his sin. This is one of the more common side effects of insecure people.

They already feel insecure, so to own personal sin is to push them further down into their insecurity. To appease them by not speaking the truth to their lives is Gospel-short-sightedness.

The Gospel is near Paul; it is at the door of his heart and knocking.

My appeal to him would be to open his eyes to the reality of the situation. It’s time to stop blaming and to start owning. It’s not his wife, though she needs to repent too. It is Paul who needs divine intervention.

My hope and prayer is that he will ask the Spirit to help him to discern the brokenness as outlined in this Mind Map and to engage the community of faith to help him overcome his sin for the glory of God.

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  1. [1] I use the MindNode for Mac app. You can find it by copying and pasting this link into your browser: http://www.mindnode.com/. This works on my MacBook Pro. I use MindThoughtsHD Mind Map app for my iPad. Both of these can be found in the iTunes App Store. ↩
  2. [2] I have several other Mind Maps on our Member Site. ↩
  3. [3] Don’t jump to the conclusion that I am saying Paul’s porn problem is Judie’s fault. Let’s stay on the point and read in context. ↩
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