The Whine Meter: why can’t I have life on my own terms? Counseling Solutions |  |
| The Whine Meter: why can’t I have life on my own terms? Posted: 09 Oct 2011 09:05 PM PDT  The Interstate has become a parking lot. Gene is stuck in traffic and his board is waiting for him to start the meeting. He’s late. Jeni is over at her neighbor’s house slandering her husband. She has made many appeals to her husband to change. He never does. Amber cried herself to sleep last night…again. In the other room are what she calls her “battling parents.” It appears they will never change. How do you respond during your times of discomfort? The question is not are you ever discomforted, but how do you respond during those times when trouble comes your way…and stays? Death, taxes, & personal sufferingTo be discomforted in life is as assured as death and taxes. There are some things you can count on. Personal suffering is one of those things. It is part of the package that comes with the gift of life. Since suffering is guaranteed, I think it is important for us to think about how we respond in those times when we don’t get our way. Welcome to my crudely constructed “worship meter.” I built this for my small group so we could think about personal discomfort and our response to it. What comes out of your mouth when you do not get your way will reveal your theology of suffering, theology of God, and your maturity as a Christian. Jesus was right: out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks (Luke 6:45). Listen to what I say and that will tell you who I really am. Even though you cannot see my heart, you can discern my heart by what comes out of my mouth and there is nothing that will give you more clarity to my heart than in those moments when I do not get my way. In times of personal comfort and self-control I can fake you out. There is no challenge there. It is in the times when I am not getting my way and I’m being discomforted, that you will be able to figure out my true theologies as well as the depth of my walk with the Savior.
Paul is teaching us through this text that our faith has given us access to the grace of God and it is through that grace that we stand. The logical progression goes like this:
How are you standing–living–in the grace that God is providing you? The answer to that question is revealed by your response to suffering. Nothing in life brings more clarity as to where you really are with God than personal suffering. God produces good through our sufferingSuffering or inherent difficulties do not necessarily have a purpose in themselves. Suffering is suffering. Everybody suffers. Even the pagan world suffers. They get sick and die. They are in traffic accidents. They divorce just like the Christian culture. Though all of our pagan friends experience these manifestations of suffering, none of them experience or enjoy faith, grace, endurance, character, hope, and more. The difference between the pagan who suffers and the believer who suffers is God. Christians are the only ones who can experience God through suffering because they have a relationship with Him and they know that He is working in their suffering. It is God who is producing Christ in our lives, through the crucible of suffering, rather than the suffering producing these godlike character goals. God, who is working through our adversity, brings out His good purposes in our lives. In the three illustrations above, Gene, Jeni, and Amber have two options. They can either focus more on the problems at hand or the God who is seeking to form Christ in them by the problems at hand. Those are your two options too. You will know very quickly where you are in your faith walk–Christian maturity–by how you talk about the “trouble you are in.” Are you problem-centered or are you God-centered? I’m not saying that you should never talk about your problems, but I am saying there is a way for you to talk about your problems. If your view of God is correct then you will talk about your problems according to the pattern that Paul lays out in Romans 5:3-5. For example, you will talk about your problems as one who is enduring through your problems. In short, you will be fortified even though you are suffering. The character of Christ, which can be understood by the fruit of the Spirit, will also be manifest in your heart and speech patterns.
Lastly, you will have the hope of God that will steady you through even the harshest blows from this world. These are difficult things for some to hear, but they are what the Christian life is supposed to look like. If you are not at this level of maturity, then you can view this as the goal that you should be aiming for. The point of the Gospel is not to remove suffering from our lives, but to mature and transform us so we can live as God’s light in His world.
We shall “not” overcomeI realize Martin Luther King famously said, “We shall overcome” and from an Eschatological perspective that is true. We will triumph in the end, but you may not overcome in this life. You will probably die. Remember, Christ died on a Roman cross. From a human perspective, especially His followers, he did not overcome. He failed at His mission. Of course, they did not get the Gospel. In time, God did a Gospel reorientation for His followers. What appeared to be foolish and most certainly was a stumbling block was actually the power and wisdom of God. (See 1 Corinthians 1:18-25) The suffering that God lets into our lives is for Him to produce the character qualities that we need in order to function well in this life. When we align ourselves to God’s work in our lives, then we are actively participating in His grace story: He is working in you to produce the fruit of the Spirit. God will not give you the life that you desire. He will give you the life that you need in order to produce the good that He desires for you. This truth is just one of the many ways in which the Gospel should practically function in your life. As long as you kick against the good that He is seeking to produce in your life, the longer it will take you to experience the God of all comfort and the Father of mercies. The goal of sufferingYour goal is not necessarily to overcome your troubles. Do you believe this? Your goal is to be comforted in your suffering, by the comfort that God provides in order for you to comfort others.
If your main goal is to get rid of your suffering, then you will more than likely live a miserable life. Life is not about “getting rid of your suffering” as though that is the goal. That is not only myopic thinking, but it is foolish and futile and misses out on God’s good work in your life. Problem-centered or suffering-centered thinking is a mindset that never sees God. However, the God-centered man approaches his suffering with the expectation that God is working good in his life. He is patiently enduring, growing in character, while living in hope.
The God-centered Christian is not only maturing through the suffering because of what God is producing in him, but he is now able to do what he could not do before: he can go out and comfort others with the same comfort in which he has been comforted by God.[1] Do you want to be a discipler for Christ? I trust that is a rhetorical question since that is the high calling placed on all of our lives. We were not saved just to soak and then amble into heaven with no other purpose. We were saved to glorify God by pushing His message around the globe. We are called to help others know and experience God in the way in which we have experienced Him (John 4:29; 2 Corinthians 1:3-7). Because of the fall of Adam and the subsequent curse of suffering, we live in a world of hurting people. This is why it is essential for all of us to not only understand suffering, but to live in the grace that God provides for us so we can endure our suffering.
Here is what God is calling you to understand and practice:
The call of God is not just about me feeling better or even “getting over my problems.” The purpose in knowing God is to be used by God.[2] When we suffer, the question is not “why me” or “why am I suffering,” but “who else is suffering and how can I help them?” That is the question that God wants us to answer during our times of suffering. This is how Paul understood his suffering in 2 Corinthians 1:3-7. He wants our holiness to be more important to us than our own personal definition of happiness. Therefore, God is producing Christ in us through the crucible of suffering so we will be empowered or enabled to help others. How are you stewarding your personal trials, sufferings, adversities, and disappointments? Small Group application and reflectionFrom God’s worldview, which is the one and only worldview that is correct, we are to see things from His perspective.
Only when you see suffering as purposeful, will you be able to see suffering as powerful. Where is your focus in your times of suffering? During our small group meetings we discuss the sermon preached at the Sunday AM church meeting. Our small group meets on Sunday night. What you have read are my sermon notes from the sermon preached on 2 Corinthians 1:3-7. You can find and listen to that sermon here: Southside Fellowship Sermon on 2 Corinthians 1:3-7. At our small group meeting I asked my group to help me think through some of their common responses to personal suffering, trouble, or life’s inconveniences. I drew out the “worship meter” above and talked about how all of life is worship and how we fall into one of two camps:
Here is the list of things we came up with and talked about in our group. How do you worship when trouble comes into your life? Where does the “red needle” land? Are you a whining worshipper or a praising worshipper?
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| Incrementally introducing your children to the world Posted: 20 Sep 2011 09:05 PM PDT 
While it is wrongheaded, I certainly understand why parents fret over their children. I have children and I don’t want them to rebel against God or reject Him in any way. Therefore, it is no exaggeration to say that I think daily about the faith/fear tension in my heart when it comes to parenting my kids. I want them to turn out well. I want them to end well. My hope for my kids is singular and could be summed up by the two great commandments:
I understand the calling that God has placed on my life as it pertains to my responsibility in parenting them the way Jesus would parent them. Somedays I worry and other days I don’t. Usually my worry-don’t worry scenarios are provoked by their behavior: if they are behaving well, then I don’t worry; if they are not behaving well, then I tend to worry. To think that my children can control me so easily does not speak well of my trust in God. Where is your focus: more on God and His goodness and faithfulness to you or on your children and their current good or bad behavior? This is a hugely important question, because how you answer that question will not only determine your levels of worry and anxiousness about your children, but it will have a major impact on how you parent your children. The parent trapsYour parenting will be affected and to some degree determined by your focus. If you are trusting God primarily then you can parent with faith, grace, courage, and joy. If you are more focused on what they are doing or not doing, then you will be tempted to succomb to an assortment of parenting traps. Here are a few of the more common ones:
A key to remember is that you are not trying to rear the perfect 6-year old or 10-year old or even a 15-year old. You must keep the end in mind. If you don’t, you’ll become a worrying and possibly angry micro-manager. Some call this “helicopter parenting” or other odd terms that don’t communicate a grace-filled, gospel-motivated parenting worldview. This kind of parenting is too short-sighted and does not incorporate a comprehensive model that understands the point or preferred result of parenting. The point of parenting is summed up in the two great commandments from Matthew 22:37-39, as noted above. All parenting must have the love God-love neighbor result in mind. That is the end game for all of us. If your children become adults who love God supremely and have no other desire than to be Jesus to everyone they encounter, including their own spouses, children, and their enemies, then you can rest assured that regardless of what happens to them, they will be okay. Typically the stereotypical helicopter-micro-managing parent does not get this. They are myopic in their thinking. Their focus is more on the here and now rather than keeping the end in mind. There are reasons the micro-managing parenting model is enticing. Here are three:
The Gospel-motivated parent is not like this at all. They are less tense, less stressed, and less angry, while resting in God’s sovereign control over all things, including the parenting of their children in the short and long-term. Loving God in good times and badIf you are not myopic, but understand that you’re not after the perfect 10-year old, then you will have a strategy in mind that includes the future. Rather than trying to iron out all of the present wrinkles in your child’s life so you will look good in front of others or so you won’t be inconvenienced, you will be able to absorb their present screw-ups, while using those moments to equip them for the future. As I write this I am reminded of a long list of parents who have come to me through the years when their kids were bouncing off the walls as teenagers, but are now loving God and seeking to follow Him.[1] These parents were in a tizzy because their kid was not doing right. While I do understand this, it is very important that we put our faith in God above and not in our children’s behavior below. I have often said to these nervous parents that God saved me when I was 25-years old. It happens. God does not save every person. Neither does He save every person when they are children. Some of our children will reject God all of their lives and they will die and go to hell. Some of our children will not become converted until they are older adults. These are not satisfying truths for any parent to hear, but we cannot bury our heads in the sand as though these things are not true. They are true and they are undeniably sad. However, that does not take away the truth that God is good. And it should not reduce, alter, or hinder our passion for God.
Introducing your children to their futureIf your children are still in the home, then let me appeal to you to introduce them to our culture. Let me discourage you from trying to control future outcomes by sheltering your children from the world. They will be little people for only a nano-second, but they will be adults for all of their lives. Get them ready now to be adults later. My friend Willy came from Cameroon a few years ago. He had never been in America and as a 19-year old young man, it was overwhelming in many ways. Willy was not prepared for what our Americanized world was ready and willing to offer him. While Willy is doing fine today, it was a struggle to adjust as an adult to things that were literally foreign to him. If it were possible, it would have been good for Willy to be introduced to America before he was tossed into the middle of America and told to swim. Fortunately, he had a local church stateside that befriended him, served him, helped him, and taught him. Everyone is not as fortunate. Many children are not that blessed, especially if their parents scare them about the taboos of our culture and never incrementally introduce them to the world where they will spend the majority of their lives. Or maybe the parents simply choose to cut their children off from their culture, which never prepares them to engage the culture as they will inevitably have to engage. The most socially dysfunctional adult Christians that you will ever meet are those who were completely sheltered from the world when they were young. They don’t know how to engage their culture. They have inordinate fears about the culture, borne out of ignorance, poor parenting, and bad theology. I have a friend who told me many years ago that she did not have any unsaved friends. How sad is that? Jesus had scores of unsaved friends. In fact, all of His friends were unsaved. The Savior penetrated our world, from His place, in order to engage, serve, and convert our world (Philippians 2:5-11). His missionary efforts in our culture are legend. However, the socially ill-prepared cannot model the Savior. My friend can only hope that the world stumbles into her church ready and willing to become like her so she can associate with them. Equip for the future through present opportunitiesWhen I say “introducing them to the world” I am not talking about teaching them how to curse, drink beer, watch porn, smoke cigarettes, and the like. Stay focused. I am talking about familiarizing them with the ways of the world, while not allowing them to imbibe in it. Our kids should not be surprised about the world when they step into it as adults. Our home is a laboratory. We are continually stretching our children so we can understand them better, in order to teach them more effectively. If you have more than one child, then you know very well how unique each one of your children are. You cannot do cookie-cutter parenting. For example, to say that alcohol is evil and you’ll go to hell if you drink it is fear-motivated parental ignorance. While it may work on one child, the other child may become a drunk. You must do better than this. You must understand each one of your children by talking to them and asking them questions, and motivating them according to who they are. You must find out who they are, determine your starting point with each one of them and then plot out a trajectory that will get them to the cross of Christ. Christ came to where we were in order to bring us to where we needed to be, in Him.
Let me appeal to you to think big picture. Stretch your children. Give them opportunities to succeed and fail. Both outcomes are hugely important. If they succeed, then you can address any self-righteous or arrogant issues. You can also encourage them when they model humility. The test of prosperity is a wonderful opportunity to parent. If they fail, then you can encourage them by showing them what went wrong and why it went wrong. You can motivate them to address these things and then continue to address their hearts, especially if they sulk or are overly-discouraged. Failure and success is what their entire life will look like. They will get desired outcomes at times and at other times they will not. You have a wonderful opportunity to walk them through these two realities, which will prepare them for their future. Hiding your kids under a bushelSheltering is an important part of parenting, no doubt. However, that cannot be the beginning and the end of how you parent your children. If it is, then your children will be hard-pressed to be Christlike when their times of future temptation come. You can be easily deceived if you shelter your children until they are adults. Truthfully, you will not be able to know how spiritual they are until they are tested and you DO NOT want them to experience their first test when they are out of the home. For example, our children have always hung out with adults. We knew that they only had about 12 to 15 years to be kids. They may be adults for 70 or more years. With that in mind, we did not want them to learn how to be an adult when they became an adult. Therefore, we have always had them hanging with adults. They naturally gravitate to their own kind, other kids. That part was easy. We never have had to connect them with other kids. Like a fish to water, they love their own kind. However, we had to be intentional in connecting them with older people. This is why we have them in small group contexts. This is why we do hospitality. This is why they sit in on a lot of our adult (age appropriate) conversations. While they have not missed out on a thing as children, we have been intentional, by the grace of God, to incrementally introducing them to the big world in which they will spend the majority of their lives.
Let’s get practicalI have purposely stayed away from telling you some of the practical things we do with our kids. The reason for that is because some of my readers may do what we do. That may not be a good fit for you. I don’t want you to necessarily do what we do. My hope is that you will pray to God and ask the Spirit to illuminate your mind in some of the practical ways in which you can parent your child according to the concepts of this article. Parenting is hard work, as you know, and if you want to implement some of the concepts in this article, then I suggest you begin by doing the first hard thing: pray to God, asking for His direction in practically applying this article. Sometimes we can jump into a book to get answers before we lunge for the throne of grace. We end up doing what that guy did, even though it does not fit our situation exactly. I can promise you that if you humbly pray to God about what I have written here, He will help you to customize your parenting to your specific child. But if you press me, I will share with you three of a zillion things that we do to incrementally introduce our children to the culture:
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