Why Dominant Women Enjoy Sexual Submission Fantasies

Published on Psychology Today (http://www.psychologytoday.com)  By Matthew Hutson Created May 26 2009 - 4:13pm

It's been said that those who are easy-going in real life tend be dominant in the bedroom, and those with type-A personalities like to be submissive. (Maybe you've heard the stories of dominatrixes with titans of industry as regular clients.) But is it true? And if so, what might explain it? In recent correspondence with Patricia Hawley of the University of Kansas regarding my post a year ago titled "Why Do Women Have Erotic Rape Fantasies?," she wrote, "it would be really cool for you to address the theory that broke in the pages of Psych Today in 1973 – a theory that went completely unaddressed as far as I can tell until 2009."

The 1973 article Hawley refers to, titled "The Sexual Fantasies of Women," was written by E. Barbara Hariton, a researcher and therapist who interviewed dozens of women about their fantasies. 


One of Harrington's assertions was that "Common 'force' fantasies... do not involve rejection or abuse. They appear in dominant and independent women who imagine themselves desired and wooed..." 


Hawley and her student William Hensley recently conducted research (to be published in the Journal of Sex Research) on forceful submission fantasies. Men and and women read and rated erotic vignettes in which they either dominated or submitted to an opposite-sex partner. 


Here are samples of what the women read: "...Your breathing quickens as you attempt to draw away, but he grasps your arm like a vice and it sends a shudder through your body. He pins you against the wall and presses his mouth firmly against yours. As your resistance fades, it becomes clear to you that this is only going one way..." "...His breathing quickens as he attempts to draw away, but you grasp his arm like a vice..." Men read the same vignettes but with pronoun gender changed. First, the researchers found that both men and women preferred to imagine being dominated. And men liked it even more than women. 


"Why might men enjoy the fantasy of forceful submission more so than women?," they researchers write. "It makes a good deal of sense that an alternate fantasy self would be the target of aggressive womanly pursuit free from rejection and restrictions." 


Ah yes, just sit back and let the horny ladies come to you. To support their claim, they analyzed two volumes of Penthouse Letters, which are aimed at male readers. 43% of the hookups were initiated by women and only 28% by men. Now to the heart of the study. Social dominance was measured in the participants by how often they claimed to use coercive and cooperative strategies to control material, social, or informational resources. The most socially dominant men rated vignettes in which they were sexually dominant higher than the other men did, but all tiers rated the submission vignettes equally. So much for the CEO-in-the-dungeon theory. At least among men... Among women, everyone rated domination fantasies equally, but the socially dominant women especially enjoyed fantasies of submission. We're on to you, Meg Whitman.

 Source URL: http://www.psychologytoday.com/node/4945

How to choose a vibrator!

OK, now that you’re thinking about buying one, here's several things to consider: 1. What kind do you want? Vibrators have come a long way.  You can find them in different sizes, shapes and materials, each with different functions. So the first thing you need to ask yourself is ‘What am I looking for?’  Do you want one designed for insertion or are you looking for one to use on the outside -- or both?  Just to cut to the chase, there are three basic types: G-spot vibrators are curved and designed specifically to help you reach the G-spot (located about 2 inches inside the vagina on the front wall) which, when stimulated, produces powerful orgasms for some women. Clitoral vibrators are meant to be used on the clitoris, and work like a charm for those of us who prefer to orgasm through clitoral stimulation. There are a range of choices, price ranges, colors, sizes and shapes to choose from -- from the vibrating egg to the oh-so-popular Hitachi Magic Wand -- and can be used alone or with your spouse. Rabbit vibrators are models that bring the best of both worlds: a small clitoral stimulator designed to make your toes curl, and a shaft for penetration. 2. Does size matter? For those of you who are choosing a vibe for penetration, you need to ask yourself how long and how wide you want the vibe to be.  Our advice?  Start smaller and work your way up, especially if you're looking for something portable. 3. How discreet do you want it to be? There is no reason to go to a sex store to buy a vibe; in fact, they're usually a bit gross...instead, you can purchase you toys online.  Christiandbed.com provided a private shopping experience -- your vibe arrives in plain packaging, with a generic company name on your credit card statement, (yes, we are certified by PayPal, too!). Another question to ask yourself is how tame do you want your toy to be? Some are designed to look a bit naughty, while others are look like a work of modern art.  For matters of personal conscience, we tend to steer clear of anything that looks too realistic. In the end, it is important to get something that you'll be comfortable with, and that can be used over and over again with enjoyment...we hope these the questions will help you in making a decision.  You can find a detailed search on our website, where you can choose size, material, color, price, etc., all with the click of a button.

4 myths about married sex

1. Marriage means boring sex. The idea that getting married means that you can no longer go crazy in the bedroom is a pure lie.  In fact, let us encourage you to crank it up a notch tonight...after all, life is too short to be predictable...why not experiment a little bit?  Try the kitchen instead of the bedroom, for instance.

2. My spouse doesn't expect special treatment. Let's face it, we all like it when we get a little extra attention in the bedroom, and your spouse is no different.  They may not say it, but no woman has ever complained that the back massage was too good nor has any man turned down oral sex.  Finding out what your spouse likes, and doing that, usually improves married sex. We also want to avoid being demanding...just because we like something, doesn't mean our spouse likes doing it...it is perfectly fine to ask, but don't insist.  Go into the bedroom to give, and you'll be fine.
.

3. If I keep doing the same thing, the same way, our sex life will be good. Variety is the spice of life, and that goes doubly for the bedroom.  Just like your diet, you should change it up frequently to keep it interesting.  If you need some inspiration, and who doesn't, check out this book for guidance!

4. It is about the body, not the eyes. Again, this is just nonsense...sex is as psychological as it is physical, and burying your face in the pillow hardly communicates, 'This is awesome-I love you!'  Make a point of watching each other, look into each other's eyes...don't stare, of course, that's just creepy, but try to make a connection with your gaze, not just your bodies.

As always, it is our pleasure to increase pleasure in your marriage!  For more ideas, including a huge variety of sex toys, please visit our website --The Christian Bed.

Three Keys To Amazing Kissing

Remember that first kiss between you and your spouse?  Yep...it's probably not like that any more is it?  If you no longer lose your breath when you kiss each other don't worry, just try these three ideas if you want to get that spark back!

1.  Take kissing seriously.  If kissing is nothing more than a gesture you make before heading off for work every day, then you may be in danger of treating the kiss as a formality.  Perhaps we could say that the unexamined kiss is not worth giving?  Instead of staying in this rut, why not think about the kind of kiss your spouse would like, and aim to overdeliver just a bit?    
2. Alter the places where you kiss your spouse.  Lips, forehead, nose, cheek, neck, ear, shoulder, chest, boobs, back, butt, genitals, legs, feet...basically anywhere they have skin.  Experiment with these zones and find out what they respond to, or better yet, surprise them with a shower of kisses all over their body! Another way to change it up a bit would be to rest your hand gently on your spouse's cheek, the back of their head, or the side of their neck...that added touch helps to reassure them that you're into it. 

3. Don't think of kissing as only a prelude to sex.  Simply try to perfect the fine art of creative kissing and aim for light stimulation.  A great kiss can be just as breathtaking as a wham-bam between the sheets...try to remember what your first make-out sessions together were like if you don't believe us. 

Now, we're not suggesting that kissing is all about technique.  It isn't.  There is a lot more to a good kiss than knowing how to use your tongue.  Good kisses happen when there is mutual intensity, and by 'intensity' we don't necessarily mean racing heartbeats...a couple in their 70's can have as much intensity as one in their 20's if their relationship is grounded in genuine love.  In fact, because their marriage has stood the test of time, they might have even more intensity because there is a lot of history behind each kiss!  We are our most passionate when we see kissing as a gift to give rather than a tool to get something...we kiss in order to tell our spouse 'I love you' without using words. 
If you're looking for a little more kissing inspiration, click here.

Sex Toys In Christian Bedrooms? Why not!?!?

Sex, Sex Toys and Christianity

Marketing"intimacy products" for a Christian audience. Published on June 25, 2011 by Michael Shelton, MS, CAC in Sex Life of the American Male

I first encountered Kelsy Burke's research on online Christian sex toy stores at the 2011 Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality Eastern and Midcontinental Conference, and I was more than a little mystified. Kelsy laughingly informed me that this is a common reaction:"When I describe my research to friends and colleagues, a common response is bafflement that Christian sex toy stores exist"

Kelsy is currently engaged in a study of online Christian sex toy stores as part of a larger project for her Ph.D. dissertation that examines how evangelicals promote sex practices within marriages. I asked her to elucidate her research:"Since the latter half of the 20th Century, evangelicals have thrived, in part, by participating in the capitalist marketplace, producing Christian versions of rock music, movies, and self-help books. Evangelicals have written sex manuals that have produced booming industry since the 1970s and new best-sellers continue to be released every year. A Google search for Christian sex toys' will bring you to Christian websites that sells intimacy products,' including traditional vibrators and dildos; anal play; g-spot and dual action toys. Customers can find just about any sex toy, other than video pornography, on a Christian-owned site."

What do Christian sex toy stores have in common?

They are evangelical-owned.  Although owners label their stores as Christian,' they espouse distinctly evangelical beliefs, such as a literal interpretation of the Bible, an emphasis on being born again and a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

They sell sex toys to a married Christian audience.  Store owners insist their products are intended for married couples only, and fantasizing about using their products, as long as it is with a spouse, is not a sin. Store owners go to great lengths to ensure that sexuality (including sexual thoughts) is contained within the confines of marriage.

 

A belief by owners that God all but demands satisfying sex within Christian marriages.  According to the owners of one online store,"Christian sex should be sexy, fun, passionate, pleasurable, and extremely intimate! God created sex as a gift to be shared between a married man and woman, so enjoying it within the context of His creation should only increase the delight!"

All Christian sex toy stores advertise themselves as"pornography-free."   As one online store declares, pornography is the number one reason for failed marriages.' What being pornography-free means however varies from site to site. One store sells"married erotica" and does not consider it to be pornographic; other sites remove or cover packaging that depicts pornographic images, while other sites refuse to sell anything that requires label modification. One store owner goes so far as to replace pictures of nude models with line-drawing outlines of models in product instruction manuals.

Kelsy concludes by detailing the inherent complexity of Christian sex toy stores:"Not all evangelical Christians would condone Christian sex toy stores. Still, the presence of evangelical-owned online sex toy stores is symbolically meaningful. They serve to validate sexual intimacy that can't be found in the Bible. Evangelicals interested in certain sex practices that are stereotypically taboo within conservative Christian communities, such as anal play or sex involving light bondage, can find confirmation that their sexual interests are approved in Christian settings. But on the other hand, Christian sex toy stores also create a particular dilemma for the evangelical community. By talking about and selling products related to sex, Christian sex toy stores may sexualize thoughts or actions in ways that go against evangelical principles. They blur boundaries of permissible and forbidden, challenging a coherent notion of Godly sexuality." 

Full article: Found here.

Top 10 Tips for Great Sex

1. Speak up: Verbalize what you want your spouse to do to you...tell them what feels good and how good it feels...encourage them to keep doing it and describe how to do it: faster, harder, etc.
2. Listen up: Get out of your head and listen to the sounds of your lovemaking, the breathing, the exclamations, the clapping of flesh.
3. Dress up: Take some time to look nice for your spouse, trade in that old sweatshirt or the briefs with holes in them for some lingerie and silk boxers.
4. Wake up: Try it first thing in the morning...that is when testosterone levels are at their highest.  Wake up sex is one way to put a smile on your face for the whole day.
5. Wash up: Yes guys, after a long day of work, you can't expect your wives to want to cuddle up if you smell like your deodorant stopped working hours ago; also, for both parties, before you follow the next step, it might also be worthwhile taking a quick shower.  'Nuff said.
6. Go down: Everyone likes it when their spouse goes south of the border...oral sex can be terrific, and practice and some coaching from the recipient go a long way toward making it better and better with each try. 
7. Lay down: Sex is as mental as it is physical...don't rush into it or out of it...take some time to lay down beside one another before and after...look into the eyes, stroke the hair, snuggle a bit.
8. Calm down: Many guys suffer from being too quick on the trigger...if that describes your situation, it may be that you're getting ahead of yourself.  Stop for a second, when that funny feeling starts rising, and then start again only after it subsides.  Some even find that pulling out and squeezing the tip of the penis for a few seconds is enough to help them keep going stronger, longer! 
9. Slim down: Most of us would love to be in better shape, and when it comes to sex, a healthy body is a powerful thing.  Just remember, eating right and getting a little exercise pay dividends between the sheets as well.
10. Slow down: Sometimes it feels great to just pound it out, to get a quickie...but like a fine meal, sex is best when savored...there's no need to rush...take some time to enjoy it. 

And, of course, there are a million other ways to introduce some novelty in the bedroom...we specialize in providing discrete solutions to couples who want more intimacy and excitement.  Why not check us out at The Christian Bed, and pick out something new and exciting?

A beautiful picture!

Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of jewels. (Song of Sol 1:10) http://www.christianbed.com

Should Christians Use Sex Toys?

On a scale of 1-10, how exciting is your bedroom? If you are like me, that number started out as a 10 (our honeymoon), dipped a bit during the first couple years of marriage to and 8, then took another dive after our first child was born.

My spouse and I both knew the flame was there, but it wasn't burning as brightly as we wanted it to. One day, I decided, while on a layover in Amsterdam, to buy a vibrator...it was the best decision I made for our sex life!

We were both new to sex toys/intimacy toys, and just wanted to experiment together.

Trust me, it doesn't take long to get the hang of it, and can provide a great level of satisfaction to both parties. However, if you are like us, the whole 'sex toy thing' may strike you as odd at first...especially when you're a person of faith.

Does using a device like a vibrator go against God's will?

While the easy answer is 'No! God created sex to be enjoyed!', but we should also be careful that the device, instead of being a supplement, does not become a substitute. In other words, if the device gets center stage, leaving your spouse on the sidelines, there may be a problem. Yet that is an extreme scenario, and one which may even be necessary if one party or the other is partly handicapped or pregnant (sometimes there is little difference between the two!).

Our experience is that using sex toys in our marriage can not only be fun, but can strengthen the physical dimension of our relationship. As Christians, we feel this is a positive thing! Apparently, we are not alone, because there are websites that cater to couples who are new to the idea of using something like a vibrator, a shaft (they even carry eco-friendly ones now!), lingerie, or erotic games. Though not perfect, given the sheer size of their online store, they do a pretty good job of censoring extreme language and images too. Moreover, their boxes and labeling are nondescript, so not even the mailman knows what is inside...it could be a box of cookies for all anyone knows!

So, is your bedroom in need of some spice? If so, let me recommend that you do your marriage a favor and experiment a little by acquiring some sort of marital toy to use together...it is safe, exciting, and most importantly: fun!

For more, please visit The Christian Bedroom